I've been on the hunt for an apartment for the most part of this month, which really defies all kinds of scientific laws by sucking and blowing at the same time. I need to be out by the end of this month at my current place and I still have not so much as placed a single item in a moving box. Luckily I sold my cumbersome couches a year or so ago so the biggest thing I have to move to my new apartment is my ass.
The apartment is decent. I like mostly everything about it although the carpet is this amazing color combination of 'suck' and 'Hi! look at me!', but at least it's new. One of the coolest things about the new pad is the layout. I like that I can walk in a circle around my apartment from the entrance, through the living room, into the kitchen, by the bedrooms and back to the front door.
So if ever anybody tries to leave, it'll hopefully be really awkward for them when they find they only ended up where they left off and have to say bye to me all over again. This would rate up there with those endearing moments shared with someone who has only ridden in your car for the first time and can't manage to find the handle to get the fuck out of your car. So cute.
The landlord tried using the fact that there were several girls in the neighborhood as a selling point. I was going to sign anyway but I was kind of enjoying his selling pitch, so I let him continue. He repeatedly threw hints about all the amazing women in the neighborhood. "Yeah, that's Sally right across the street. Oh, and that's her daughter. She's about 22 or so. Very nice girl! Oh, and I rent apartments to a lot of ladies. That one across the street is in the Geek Squad, so if you ever need help with your computer, you can hop on by. She's actually helping me with Windows Vista. She told me they built Vista from the ground up, unlike XP, so a lot of hardware that was compatible with XP isn't compatible with Vista and so I've been having problems with that."
Anyway, after hearing him rant about all the obvious sexiness that is exuded in this quite fertile and extremely nubile place in Riverside (as portrayed by the girl in his Geek Squad example), I finally told him I would take it. I think I said it just like that. I think I actually screamed it. I cut him off mid-sentence in one of his "it's raining vagina" tirades.
He then dragged me to sign the lease agreement over at his home, which he affectionately referred to as 'Miguel's abode' (keep in mind he's a white dude named Mike), which was a really charming old house with Victorian furniture, vaulted ceilings, crown moulding and an amazing kitchen. He told me he bought the house from a lady that had used the home as a day-care center in the fifties. That's kind of creepy to me for some reason. Every time I hear of old homes coupled with 'kids', I imagine that it's somehow haunted. I'm afraid the ghosts grew tired of him though, which is really unfortunate because his house looked totally hauntable.
So as I was approaching hour two of my one-hour lunch, I began to sweat because I just knew this would take ridiculously longer than necessary. He was going through the lease agreement with me and mentioned that he respects the privacy of the tenants and that he understands I want a landlord, not a best friend--"unless [I] want one", he chuckled. He then went off on a rant about his past love life and old Latin lover...and thus, the inevitable arrival of his sex-trophy; his daughter (Sarah) who is now 22. He then said that I can have 'girlfriends' up if I want to but to be careful about living with them. I admired him in his moment of sagacity. I acknowledged his advice and I mentioned that I knew better nowadays and humored him with a tidbit of information about my past based on his advice. Well, that little bit of information I think pushed me right past the label of 'tenant' right over to 'chum' because now we're "grabbing a beer or two to discuss." Oh the things I do for free rent. (Jokes.)
So, yeah. I now have my own pad and it didn't come easy. It took a lot of long-suffering, and listening, and nodding of my head to get this far. ('Nodding' meaning agreeing and affirming, just to be clear.) So if anybody wants to Netflix it up then I wont say no. I'm just throwing that out there. You can throw it back if you want to. However, if you can't come over, don't you assume for a nanosecond that you will not be summarily replaced by any one of the innumerable feral ladies of Riverside, of which at any given moment, will be found carelessly frolicking about through my front lawn, as guaranteed in my lease agreement.
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